“So When you get knocked down my Sweetheart
Look up at the sky without fear
For sometimes we need to lie flat on our backs
Before starlight begins to appear”
I never thought I could feel heart break like I did yesterday and as I wake up this morning, it is still there, palpable, stifling and aching. Yesterday I felt ready, ready to take my little girls hand, ready to hold her tight and start a new journey together. Yesterday I told her that her Daddy had gone to heaven.
I cannot describe, for there are no words, what it felt like to watch her little lips quiver before her face crumpled up. It was nothing short of absolute agony for her and she cried and I held her and rocked her in my arms.At first I wasnt sure how it was going to go, would she comprehend the loss, would she even acknowledge it or would she run and do what a 3 yr does and start looking for the crayons.
Her little body heaved in mine and I too heaved and cried and held her as tightly as I could.
The first thing she asked was whether her brothers had also died. When I heard that word, it was such a harsh word, not suited to be coming out the mouth of a little 3 year old, but it came out. I reassured her and she calmed. However when I told her Daddy cannot phone us anymore, Daddy cannot come to school, she bit her lip and cried.
“Mommy my heart is sore but I am trying to be happy”
I am trying fathom what ached so desperately as I watched her put on a brave face. We got out some crayons and stickers and she drew a picture of daddy in heaven. He had his wings and a huge flower next to him, he got a star seat belt to keep him safe as he flew with the angels and a butterfly because Lily said butterflies are beautiful and they will help him.Daddy got loads of grass and even the sea.
At one stage we lay on the floor together, holding hands and staring at the ceiling and I asked her what she could see…her response was ” My daddy Angel.”
In the evening we chatted and she is very heartsore, very tearful and we spoke about other people who had Daddies in heaven. I asked her what she thought they were doing…
“They are watching monsters play Golf in Heaven mommy.”
Little Bear, you are the bravest little girl I know. I am holding your hand tight and we are going to move forward bit by bit. It was the worst thing in the world for me as a mother to break your heart yesterday and to feel so completely helpless, because this is a heartbreak I cannot fix, but I promise I will be there for you, I will hold you and love you.