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The Last Year of my Twenties

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So it is officially now the last year of my twenties, I turned 29 on monday and the greys are still doing their usual uncalled for sprouting as well as a bit of thinning in the hairline area..lol. God, I forgot I need to sign up for poker face botox some time. Just kidding, I will just continue calling them my laughter lines.

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I had an amazing birthday with my loves. I had the little Miss make a pizza from scratch for me especially and she decorated the cake with smarties ( which she promptly stole whilst we were all sat down) I am immensely grateful for the wonderful people in my life. I am truly blessed. We laughed, we chatted, I had my little girl running and giggling around me….it was good.Whilst I was making a video of her making her pizza she turned to us all and said  “Im just like Gordon Ramsay Mom!”

Her pizza turned out to be the tastiest, so she ended up being a really little Gordon without all the F-words 🙂

 

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I look back at what a tumultuous couple of years it has been, I look back at the loss and the defeat at times, and then I look at this picture of my little girl helping me blow out my candles and it grounds me. Our memories. Good in spite of whatever has been thrown our way and I feel a deep and irreplaceable sense of gratitude, for the man who has stood by my side through the pain and held my hand and my little girls hand. To the amazing family who have adopted us and loved us and who made such a special evening for us and continue to be of invaluable support to all of us.

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To The Daddies

To the Dads who have been there to hold my little girls hand, to the Dads who have stepped in and been her prince, to the Dad who picks up her up and swing her around, who squeezes his bum into a little chair just to draw on a chalkboard with her, to the Dad who held her tight and threw her giggling into the air, to the Dad who kissed her little hand and knelt down to make it better. To the Dad who is her Angel now, to the Dad who I see so much in her each day and from whom I know that feisty mediterranean nature comes from, to the Dad who swung her over his shoulders and laughed at his little sack of potatoes. To the Dad who taught her to fly a kite and ran giggling with her yesterday and made us popcorn in bed AND lay next to us to watch her favourite movie. To the Dad who sings along with us to the Lorax without fail every single time….

To all of you

My little girl is more blessed than I can convey, to all the men who have stood in and taken part and become so much a part of her world and so much her hero’s – Thank You!

 

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Kids Being Kids- Photo Friday

Sometimes kids just need to be kids, sometimes kids are just kids no matter how hard things get. I can learn a lot from these two little monkeys. My little princess and my little prince – complete with tantrums and epic competitions of ‘It’ MINE’ ringing through the house, the cuddles and the squishy little ‘I love you’s!’ always make things feel better.

A little photo friday post of well, our kids being kids…

 

 

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When Courage Shines!

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My Darling Lily

This morning you rocked me to the core, you showed me yet again what it means to be brave and face the world head on. Two days ago you found out your Daddy was in heaven. We kept you off school yesterday and you were just you. You laughed and played and sometimes you stopped and you asked questions. You told all the the important people in your life that your daddy is in heaven. Today however was when your courage shown as bright as it ever has.

Yesterday we spoke about going back to school and you agreed, because today it is soccer stars and you LOVE soccer stars. So today we had a slow start to the morning, we cuddled on the couch and did some impromptu singing to the Lorax movie. We got dressed and I made french plaits in your hair. You walked to the car and made a phone call to your special person to let her know you are going to school.

As we arrived, I heard you start to cry and you told me you wanted to go home. I asked if you were okay and you told me to promise I would fetch you at lunchtime. We made a pinky promise in the car. My girl….I fully expected to be carrying you in to school, instead you asked to be put down and you put your little hand in mine and walked in with me.

Your teachers were all there ready and waiting for you. As we walked up the path I saw them all standing by the window waiting for you – our precious brave girl.They cheered you on and as you walked in, they were all standing there with arms open wide.

You smiled at me and whispered to me about fetching you at lunchtime and we made another pinky promise. You smiled at me and stood by the window to wave good-bye,

As I walked back to the car, it took everything I had not to burst into tears with absolute love for the phenomenal little person that you are!

I love you SO SO much my baby! You shone today – brighter than every single star in the sky!

 

 

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Monsters Playing Golf in Heaven

“So When you get knocked down my Sweetheart

Look up at the sky without fear

For sometimes we need to lie flat on our backs

Before starlight begins to appear”

-Giles Andreae

I never thought I could feel heart break like I did yesterday and as I wake up this morning, it is still there, palpable, stifling and aching. Yesterday I felt ready, ready to take my little girls hand, ready to hold her tight and start a new journey together. Yesterday I told her that her Daddy had gone to heaven.

I cannot describe, for there are no words, what it felt like to watch her little lips quiver before her face crumpled up. It was nothing short of absolute agony for her and she cried and I held her and rocked her in my arms.At first I wasnt sure how it was going to go, would she comprehend the loss, would she even acknowledge it or would she run and do what a 3 yr does and start looking for the crayons.

Her little body heaved in mine and I too heaved and cried and held her as tightly as I could.

The first thing she asked was whether her brothers had also died. When I heard that word, it was such a harsh word, not suited to be coming out the mouth of a little 3 year old, but it came out. I reassured her and she calmed. However when I told her Daddy cannot phone us anymore, Daddy cannot come to school, she bit her lip and cried.

“Mommy my heart is sore but I am trying to be happy”

I am trying fathom what ached so desperately as I watched her put on a brave face. We got out some crayons and stickers and she drew a picture of daddy in heaven. He had his wings and a huge flower next to him, he got a star seat belt to keep him safe as he flew with the angels and a butterfly because Lily said butterflies are beautiful and they will help him.Daddy got loads of grass and even the sea.

At one stage we lay on the floor together, holding hands and staring at the ceiling and I asked her what she could see…her response was ” My daddy Angel.”

In the evening we chatted and she is very heartsore, very tearful and we spoke about other people who had Daddies in heaven. I asked her what she thought they were doing…

“They are watching monsters play Golf in Heaven mommy.”

Little Bear, you are the bravest little girl I know. I am holding your hand tight and we are going to move forward bit by bit. It was the worst thing in the world for me as a mother to break your heart yesterday and to feel so completely helpless, because this is a heartbreak I cannot fix, but I promise I will be there for you, I will hold you and love you.

xxx Mom

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